I
am always amazed at all the opportunities God gives us to start over, wipe the
slate clean or start fresh….whether it be the first of the year, the first day
of a new season, our birthday or the first day of the week. Basically anytime
where we are willing to submit our will to His we can start over.
Most
recently I was reminded that it doesn’t take a leap of faith but a mere step
because I can do all things through
Christ who gives me strength. It all starts with a simple prayer asking for
help.
It
is also about making choices. To paraphrase John Walker and James MacDonald; Who I am today is the sum total of the
choices I have made. We could wish this weren’t true especially when things
aren’t going well, when we want to retreat from the consequences of our own
decisions, blaming it on our parents or our upbringing or our spouse or anybody
but ourselves. The truth is life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we
choose to deal with it.
Everyday
of my life, I have a choice: I can focus
on the bigness of the giants that stand before me or I can focus on the one,
true God who is pouring His strength into me. My focus will determine my
behavior and influence my faith.
Before
I go any further allow me to share a little more about myself. I am the mother
of two beautiful children. I am also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a divorced
woman and a detail driven Executive Assistant. However, I am defined by more
than these titles and roles.
Through
perseverance and patience I am learning that life is a journey not a
destination and in as much as my roles do not define me neither do my
struggles. After all, we all have struggles that make us vulnerable and expose
our weaknesses. Thankfully if we choose we can be defined in God as He works
through our circumstances for good.
In
the past my identity and expectations of myself rested in the opinions of
others. My decisions were greatly influenced by this because my self worth lied
in comparing myself to others. Now my defining moments lie in the God sightings
and ah ha moments I have experienced.
I
have a co-dependent personality and have live a big part of my life under the
bondage of failure, condemnation and addictions.
It
wasn’t until recently that I recognized that addictions come in many shapes and
sizes. Although I do not struggle with alcohol or drugs, I cover my pain and
past hurts by escaping with comfort food, shopping, busyness (work) and I allow
worry and anxiety to consume my thoughts. Anyone of these in small amounts is
not an addiction however when I become obsessed by it and choose to medicate my
pain by escaping to the fantasy world TV provides or worrying instead of
focusing on God it becomes an issue.
Looking
back on my life I realize that although I didn’t acknowledge it God has always
had a hand in my life. My life is a testimony of God’s grace.
For
years I attended church regularly and seemingly did all the right things but it
was more about head knowledge than heart knowledge. I was not consciously
choosing to follow and serve God.
Then
in 2006 after facing the same struggles and challenges over and over again
without making any steps forward a friend invited me to accept Jesus Christ as
my Savior. Although my struggles didn’t cease to exist, my burdens began to
lift. Despite adversity I could sense peace and contentment. While this was an
ah ha moment it was also a process-others had invited me to accept Jesus as my
Savior yet til that day I had been resistant, not fully believing in God’s
saving grace for myself.
Today
I know God more intimately. Through answered prayer and experience my trust in
Him has increased tremendously. I now know that God’s love is unconditional and
that he accepts me just as I am. His opinion is valued above all others. More
importantly my faith has been strengthened and now I consciously choose to put
God first in everything I do.
Don’t
be fooled, I still stumble and fall however I am learning to get up more
quickly without dwelling on each failure.
This
transformation has not been instantaneous; to this day it is a work in
progress.
Picture
an onion, it has many layers of skin, each of these layers needs to be peeled
back one at a time to reveal its core-its heart so to speak. The same applies
to people; through the years I have covered up my heart with a thick skin, with
each hurt I added an extra layer of protection. To the point where I could no
longer identify who I was. Therefore, why should I expect the hurts to be
healed in a moment? It takes time to heal a wound and breakdown barriers. It
also takes an act of faith and for me words of affirmation.
Through
Alpha and bible study I have learned that the greatest source of encouragement
can be found in the bible. There are verses for every situation in life. The
Bible testifies to God’s promises, blessings, provisions and my identity in
Jesus.
I
am a word picture person therefore many times scripture passages have been a
source of comfort and support. These same verses have helped me change my old
habits. I believe the WORD to be TRUTH and now I choose to focus my thoughts on
the greater things. I am willing to surrender my life to God and allow Him to
be in control.
As
I say this I realize it is not an easy task and not something that I do
consistently. For instance, while I was preparing my notes for today I was
going through my journals and noticed that often when I have struggled it has
been because I was dwelling-feeding off my emotions and thoughts allowing doubt
and fear to direct the circumstances of my life and responding in an attempt to
take matters into my own hands. However, when I focused on God through
scripture, worship, praise and prayer things improved.
I
pray that as I share with you the truth of God’s word you will be blessed with
more of Him and a better understanding of the difference He can make in your
life.
Here
are some of the areas in my life where God’s WORD and GRACE have changed me.
All honour and glory is His.
For
most of my life I have allowed worry and anxiety to consume my thoughts and
direct my circumstances. I was also a perfectionist, people pleaser and would
justify my actions at great lengths; often overcompensating and apologizing for
things that weren’t even my fault.
I
appeared happy on the outside but was a burden bearer on the inside. I
portrayed a strong, independent character but truly I was guarded and trusted
no one. The thick layers of skin that covered and protected my heart offered a
false sense of security.
In
the past, I have worried about anything and everything with a “put the cart
before the horse” kind of mentality. I would often anticipate the “what ifs” of
any situation so that I could be prepared with solutions for whatever
outcome-inevitably the “what ifs” didn’t materialize and all that time and stress
were wasted. It wasn’t until my divorce and through seeking God that I came to
realize that my “worrying” was my mechanism for maintaining control of any
given situation and also a way of gaining acceptance from others. After all, if
I had all the answers I would be praised for being good and smart….or so I
thought!
This
has been a difficult habit to break and definitely a work in progress. As the
layers were being peeled away healing was taking place. This also showed me
that repetition is key to healing and learning.
For
example, how often do I repeat the same things, over and over to my children,
hoping they will grasp the words and learn the lessons?
God
does the same for us however unlike me he doesn’t get frustrated, His patience
knows no limits.
So
there you have it repetition is part of the process, part of healing. It
reinforces my foundation. It is God’s way of refining my character.
Although
I am now aware of my struggles with anxiety and worry this revelation has come
to light slowly after much repetition. I have discovered that “I have to live
it to learn it” and seeing as I don’t always get in the first time, God relies
on my experience to get me through.
For
instance, in 2005 when I first became aware that my worries and anxieties were
an addiction I prayed for strength and courage and meditated on God’s word: But seek first his righteousness, and all these
things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for
tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. These
verses from Matthew 6 reminded me that nothing is worth more than this day and
that God will provide whatever I need. Not necessarily what I want but what I
need.
It
wasn’t until 2007, that another layer was peeled back and I began to understand
why I was allowing worry and anxiety to consume me. Beyond it being my control
mechanism, I was contingency planning for every task that I undertook to ensure
that no matter the outcome I would receive acceptance, love and approval for a
job well done.
Most
recently I discovered the root of this addiction and with the support of my
pastor am looking to my past to break any vows that I spoke.
Words, such as I will never
measure up, I will always do things perfectly, spoken in my youth became a part
of me because I chose to believe them.
These words also hindered my
ability to build healthy relationships because I was more preoccupied with
getting the task done. In my mind, I would only gain love and approval once the
task was done. In the past I have damaged relationships at the expense of
getting the job done.
Words are powerful; they carry
much weight. They can have negative consequences but rest assured they can also
be a blessing as you will hear later when I speak about healing.
A few weeks ago, I exhibited
this “task first” behavior with a work colleague, although I was focused and
determined on the task at hand I came across as uncooperative, aggressive, and
frustrated; certainly not exemplifying a team player attitude. This was a huge
breakthrough and a defining moment.
Already I am walking into God’s
plan for this area of my life, building relationships and moving away from
tasks. Better yet through answered prayer- supernaturally God has given me
enough time both for building relationships and getting the job done.
Despite making progress in many
areas of my life, I continued to judge myself harshly. I was disappointed with
myself for the length of time it was taking to heal from the divorce and other
past hurts kept me in bondage.
Due to my perfectionist nature
I had little patience for mistakes and developed and all or nothing attitude.
The expectations I set for myself were unreasonable. I was robbing myself of my
uniqueness and undermining my ability to forgive, love and accept myself for
who I was. Because I desperately wanted to excel at everything I lived under
the bondage of failure.
I felt I didn’t pray enough,
read my bible enough or witness enough. Being divorced was a huge failure and
motherhood was especially difficult. I should discipline better, be more
patient, spend more time with them….the list was never ending. Then, I would
become overwhelmed and feel like I wasn’t performing to the best of my
abilities in any area of my life and ultimately anxiety would once again take
hold.
As a result I lived in
self-condemnation. Not only would I dwell on how I wasn’t fulfilling my role
but I would dig up past failures, refusing to forgive myself for past mistakes
and beating myself up for every little wrong doing. This was hindering my
growth.
Because I refused to forgive
myself I considered myself unworthy in the eyes of God and I didn’t dare ask
for blessings. Notice the use of the word I….I was hindering growth….I didn’t
forgive….I didn’t believe….I felt and I thought, I feared that I was
undeserving of blessings….basically I was trying to keep control over things
that were beyond my control. No wonder everything was such a challenge and a
struggle…..every month was a rollercoaster of emotions.
My focus was self-centred
instead of God centred.
One day while reading Every
Woman’s Battle, I was struck by another ah ha moment….the words on the page
jumped out and opened my eyes to what I was doing: “Do you know what you are saying about the blood that Jesus shed for
you when you refuse to forgive yourself from your past? You are saying that His
blood wasn’t good enough for you. It didn’t have enough power to cleanse you.”
In my resistance to forgive
myself, I was belittling what Jesus did on the cross for me….I was insulting
what God did for me.
In that very instant I asked
for forgiveness and meditated on the truth of God’s word from John 3 which
reads for God did not send his son into
the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Whoever
believes in Him is not condemned.”
I have discovered that God
doesn’t want me to dwell in condemnation. He forgives me and wants me to
forgive myself.
Slowly things started to come
together. I began to realize that everything I surrendered to God was replaced
with more of Him.
Despite knowing that I was
forgiven, loved and worthy it took some time for me to accept it, to trust that
God could make it happen. I was still resistant in asking for blessings for
myself.
For the longest time I believed
that healing was not for me. I could step out in faith and pray for healing for
others, including my children and each time I witnessed answer to prayer but
still it wasn’t for me.
At first, I thought it was
because of my analytical mind. After all, I was a Med Lab Tech and I believed
that science healed; the proof was there, yet the proof was in prayer and God
also.
Then I felt that my actions
made me unworthy to receive but once I forgave myself this was no longer a
barrier.
Finally, I realized that if I
could trust a complete stranger to stay in his lane while driving down the road
how much more could I trust God who according to John 3 had given his one and only son, that whomever believes
in him shall not perish but have eternal life. As part of my accepting and
trusting, I meditated on this scripture often; affirming that my no works, by
no deeds, by no actions would I be deserving however through Jesus I was
saved….all I needed to do was believe in him and ask expectantly.
In previous experiences God had
proven faithful when I trusted my anxieties, emotions, past hurts and troubles
to Him so why not physical healing.
Skeptic that I am, I started
small and only trusted God enough to heal my right foot. Then as an act of
faith I chose to submit my will and asked him to heal my Crohn’s disease. This
is an illness I have been struggling with for a better part of 20 years and in
early 2007 my symptoms had changed and were causing stress as well as physical
challenges.
This disease was something that
I identified with, I felt and thought that it identified me so it was difficult
to let it go. But once I understood the difference between letting go and
completely surrendering to God it became easier.
Although I had hesitantly asked
for healing throughout the year it wasn’t until last fall that I admitted to
myself that I trusted God enough to take care of me; finally I relinquished my
pride and desire to be in control.
Ambassador Ministries in
Covenant had established a Recovery Room where people could go and soak in
God’s word for healing. I made a conscious choice to accept healing by going
for healing prayer as often as I could.
The process was simple; a
prayer group would speak and pray God’s word over me time and time again. I
began to see change and grasped the knowledge that God’s word has power over my
body as well as my thoughts and feelings.
By faith, by decision, by
choice I began to pray for healing as though it was already done. I meditated
on healing verses three times daily; this was God’s prescription. And as I was
choosing to put God first and trust in Him my faith was fortified.
On December 23rd I
went for a colonoscopy, while I waited I continued to pray. As I was waiting I
found myself allowing anxiety to take control: what if the diagnosis is this or
even worse what if it’s that….however, meditating on scriptures such as:
Be
joyful in hope, patient in times of trouble and faithful in prayer
I
have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and self-discipline
Delight
yourself in the Lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart
Reminded me of the significance
or persevering, not giving up and keeping a good attitude while we wait on God
to provide His blessings.
The truth of God’s word has
greatly helped me turn away from my anxious and worrisome traits…I share this
yet again only to illustrate that I am not perfect, learning is a process and
my struggles are easier with God on my side.
I have noticed that once I
appropriate verses for myself, personalize them and make them my own they offer
a great source of courage that can carry me through any of life situations!
Praise God, all glory is His!
Back to my testimony of
healing, the outcome that day was nothing short of a miracle and is still
surreal to me. The test results showed no sign of active disease, no
inflammation, no polyps, and no need to biopsy. I stand here before you whole
and healed….Everyday I thank God for this healing.
Once I studied and understood
the difference between submitting my will to God and letting my emotions and
thoughts rule my mind I began to pray a simple prayer. A prayer that would
align my will with God’s will; I prayed the following often, sometimes
hourly…Lord make me willing to be willing to do what you desire, to fulfill the
plans you have for me. Amen.
I have learned that God is very
uncomplicated; He simply desires that I take the first step so that He can
begin to work in me.
As C.S. Lewis says Relying on God has to begin all over again
everyday, as if nothing had yet been done. Or better yet as the bible says
in Deuteronomy 30 Today I have given you
the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on
heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh that you would choose
life…You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him and
committing yourself firmly to him.
God doesn’t force His will on
anyone. He lets us decide whether to follow Him or reject Him. This decision
however can greatly affect our lives. God would like each of us to choose life.
Daily in each situation, we must affirm and reinforce this commitment.
Don’t worry if you get it wrong
the first time or subsequently; as I have learned through the past year and in
preparing this testimony; we have a lifetime to learn and a very forgiving God.
A year ago I could not of
shared this testimony without vetting it through numerous people to make sure
it made sense, that it wasn’t too preachy, too matter of fact or too
repetitious. Actually, there are many times in this past month that I heard
words from song; devotionals or teachings that I thought would be more perfect
or better than my own words yet out of a willingness to change my habits I
prayed for help and focused on telling my story with God’s grace and wisdom. After
all, God loves me just as I am and can use me to touch others despite by
brokenness; just as He can use you if you choose to follow Him.
I just wanted to leave you with
some words of wisdom that sparked ah ha moments in my life while I was
preparing this testimony.
The first is about our
character, God has designed us for His
purpose and plan; just as we are, so when we are convinced that we need to
change let us be reminded to change our traits, in other words how we act &
react to life instead of changing our character.
Secondly, all worry is needless, not one day can be added to our life by
worrying….also don’t get discouraged or defeated if this problem persists
because then you are allowing the enemy to catch you twice, once in worry and
then in defeat. As a friend shared with me earlier, instead of focusing on the
number of times you have failed focus on the successes and improvements you
have made since you asked God into your life.
And finally, I am learning to accept everything in life
as it comes, I still plan for the future but my plans are in pencil; this way I
can easily change things when God decides He has other plans.
Published February 2008
