If my past is any indication of my ability to turn things over to God and leave the results to Him. Then, as long as I am breathing, surrender may continue to be a struggle. Thankfully, God loves me enough not to leave me as I am or once was.
Paul’s moment of surrender occurred on the Damascus road after he was knocked down by blinding light. For others, less drastic methods are needed. Regardless, surrendering is never just a one-time event. As Paul said in 1 Corinthians 15:31 I die every day—I mean that, brothers—just as surely as I glory over you in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Years ago, most days, when I couldn’t surrender, I simply prayed for God to make me willing to be willing. While less than an ideal form of letting go and letting God, it introduced me to the practice of surrender, which is moment by moment and lifelong.
It is as important as a road to Damascus experience because for someone like me who lives with depression and anxiety it is critical to be present with God instead of dwelling in the past or being anxious about the future. Also, it helps me to differentiate my wants from my needs.As Jesus said in Matthew 16:24 If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. They must be willing even to give up their lives to follow me.
Following my divorce, I returned to work full-time and quickly realized that I needed to release the things that were outside of my control if I wanted to survive let alone succeed. But I had a hard time delegating, or even wanting to delegate, because at the time (2008) I justified my existence through my hard work, and equated success with struggle; I equated results with struggle. And so I sort of wore my struggles like a badge of honor. And all of that was the opposite of trusting God & allowing Him to be in control.
I came to realize that the standards and expectations I set for myself were unreasonable. Through God's grace I embarked on a journey which gave me permission to give myself a break, lighten up, be easier and go slower. Take it easy, have more fun. Love myself more, laugh more, appreciate more and accept that mistakes were OK and that when it came to my to-do list I would never get it all done and tomorrow was another day.
The bible tells us in Matthew 6:34 Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
Then in 2012, on a hike to Saratoga Springs, God prompted me to pick up a bit of nature that represented the fear, worry and anxiety that weighed me down and held me back. I carried that branch with all its thorny twigs to the highest point of Saratoga Springs and released it over the edge letting it go once and for all. Yet here I am now, over a decade later still struggling, to a much lesser degree, with the thorns of distorted thinking, discouragement and disappointment.
Again, in 2013, in an act of faith and obedience, I held fear, worry and anxiety in one hand and God’s word in the other while I walked through the baptisms of water.
Three days later, my world and I came undone, and I stopped denying the depression that held me captive. – After almost 10 years in the same job, I found myself without, as the result of a reorganization. During this time, I desperately searched for God through whichever means I could find. Most days I could barely utter a simple prayer like “Jesus help me” let alone read, write and memorize scriptures and confusion would set in – I was stuck in a downward spiral. Then I came across mindful worship – Thank you God! This audible meditation on Lamentations 3:21-26 repeated over and over “His mercies are new every morning” it gave me hope - pushing me to remove the covers over my darkness, get out of bed and get into the business of living life– it built me up and encouraged me to reach for God’s new mercies. In an attempt to surrender I released my worry, anxiety and fears to God and He began to restore me. I began to hope again particularly when I remembered: The faithful love of God never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.
In 2017, at a women’s event, I shared how the saying “Let go and let God” still drove me crazy. It was easier said than done. No sooner would I let something go than it was back causing havoc with rumination, fear, worry, anxiety and depression. Finally, I came to realize that if I could trust a stranger to stay on his side of the road while driving, how much more could I trust my God, the King of the World, to take care of me. Once I opened my heart to the redemptive power of God’s love, He started to transform my fears into faith – fashioning an unshakeable assurance in His promises. With the revelation that God is about relationship not rules and progress not perfection, I willingly started giving my cares to Him. Trusting Him completely – This saved me much, worry, anxiety, and wasted time trying to figure things out for myself. As in Zephaniah 3:17 “with His love, he calms my fears.”
Then 2020, God reached into my brokenness and began to heal trauma from my past. I was reconciled to my younger self and my heart was open to receive all that God had for me - forgiveness, acceptance, unconditional love - I began to experience freedom from crippled emotions and self-loathing and was filled with self-compassion - without self criticism or judgment I was able to let my guard down, be open, honest and willing to ask and accept help, to trust God and others, and to relinquish control and surrender.
I have been on a journey which is moving me from knowledge toward understanding and application of God’s truth and promises. Because I choose to trust in God, trust in the journey and trust in myself I am no longer consumed by worry and fear. But for God this would not have been possible. I am a lifelong learner ready to let go and grow - I will never live the perfect life but I can confidently say that I am living my best life. God didn’t wait until I was fixed to walk alongside me and he will meet you where you are when you surrender yourself and your heart to His will, love and mercy.
Because I know there is no longer anything to fear and trust that God will carry me through, I am willing to live one day at a time and make the best use of what time I am given. For me that includes working a 12 step program, 2 way prayer, meditation, and worship. Despite not doing it consistently, I am committed to read the word daily, pray the word, seek the word expectantly and live the word joyfully.
PS - 2024 has been a real test of my ability to let go and let God. I have been on a leave of absence from work since January. Although it was precipitated by a mental health condition, it has also manifested as pain in my physical body. Currently, my medical team and I are managing, treating or exploring treatments for migraines, pulmonary functions, sleep apnea and kidney stones. Believe me when I say everyone of my struggles has been given to God - I don’t even know when I will be able to get back to work. So I created a “give it to God box” which I can plainly see as I write down my fears, worries and anxieties and turn them over to my Lord.
On August 2nd, I will be undergoing a 4th medical intervention for this stubborn kidney stone - it just won't let go and has gravity working in its favor! That’s okay because I do let go and I have God working in my favor! This is the nudge in the Spirit that prompted me to pen this post. I hope it encourages you - we may not see how much we have grown but God does.
Chantale,
Child of God, open to love and be loved because of God’s unfailing love
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